During all the
Traumatic events
That year,
He tried to assert
Himself, let his
Opinion be known,
Ameliorate the terrible
Pain permeating everything,
Suggest a soft place
Instead of ragged hardness,
But all his efforts
Ended at the same dead end,
An impenetrable wall
Of hurt that no sentient
Being could surmount,
A place where the
Unconscious dwell.
I know when I talk with you that
You’re thinking of the next thing you
Want to say or how my words may be
Used to gain some advantage or
Make you look good in some way,
Perhaps subtly put me in my place,
All else is bothersome, undesirable.
A wilted, one-sided relationship where
One person’s self is stolen by
An unquenchable, uncaring void.
Not sure what to do,
Knowing that it could
Be a catalyst for all
Manner of suffering but
Also morbidly curious.
As usual, an inner struggle
Ensues between giving the
Benefit of the doubt,
Believing in redemption, or
Realizing that some things are
Truly better left unexamined.
Even the best intentions often
Do not turn out well
Because they never have before
And nothing has transpired
To make this time any different.
How to describe
How dirty I feel
When I’m forced to
Have any kind of
Contact with you.
How to let you know
That the mere thought
Of you repulses me
And racks me with
Overwhelming sadness.
How to get you
Out of my life,
Away from me,
So I don’t have to
Deal with this.
How to keep wishing
That you would
See what’s going on
Instead of
Stepping on me.
He lost count of
How many times
He had to
Bite his tongue,
Change his
Narrative in order
To not elicit
Prickly reactions,
Reflexive retorts from
A frightened squid
Spewing ink,
Clouding the waters
Of understanding,
Face an impassable
Wall built to keep the
Barbarians out,
Endure a superficial
Relationship built
On strict hierarchy,
Avoid being himself.
They sit down to
Play a game but it
Soon becomes clear that
This is much more than
An innocent diversion.
The contest becomes
Heated, mirth gives way
To intensity, each one
Of them trying to vanquish
The other, neither
Willing to cede an inch,
Risk losing face.
Eventually something has
To give, the adult
Jubilantly trounces the
Child and gloats a while,
What passes for fun.
He remembered the one instance
His father spent time with him.
An autumn day, the smell of
Nature invigorating. Quietly
Walking along, leaves alternately
Crunching and squishing.
Rivulets sparkling; a bubbling,
Gurgling, comforting symphony.
An arm around his shoulder,
Only that one time.
I remember the day I came to you with
Gift in hand, but it wasn’t good enough,
Didn’t compliment what you already found
Familiar. I remember the look on your face
When I had the temerity to suggest that
The gift was something quite valuable and
Precious. No acts of naive courtesy permitted,
No souvenir from unvisited lands featuring
Swaying palm trees and beaming bathers.
I remember how you turned away.
Not sure what to
Say when the request
Is made, perhaps it
Signals the end of a
Brief relationship,
But most likely just
Reflects two beings
On different paths,
Neither better.
